I dreamt today that we were running along an almost-palatial like house, with people seated at long tables, and faces whose names I did remember. I remembered the younger blond woman from my old language class, who had suffered some sort of personal tragedy and wanted to quit everything; there was the cartoon-obsessed friend seated there on the right of the space I picked, and when I tapped him on the shoulder on my way out, he looked around, quite alarmed and surprised, that a girl had actually touched him; and then of course, there was that guy, the one whose name I still can’t piece together even while writing this – in the dream, we were both a lot more open to each other, he was blatantly crushing on me, and I wasn’t beyond rolling my eyes but following along either.

We went to one of the rooms in the palace, which doubled up as a bits-and-pieces kind of store, with many miscellaneous cute things to buy. There was a laundry basket with a pink Sesame-Street character gracing the lid (thanks, sub-consciously staying images of the google main website). A previous classmate from college was there as well, him being now in India. He was just hanging around and watching what’s-his-name (Patrick? Desmond? Derrick?) buy me a present on the spot with much enthusiasm, and when it was finally presented proudly to me, I saw it was a burnished-yellow little candle, the kind that burns for 18 hours (thanks, information from other current classmate whose place I went over to the other day – it was an exercise in the burning power of candles). The transparentish plastic box had two broad blue stripes running over it perpendicularly, making it a Swedish flag candle.

And then I woke up. I’m sure dream analyzers would have lots to say about this. But all that bugs me really is that I can’t remember the guy’s name.

And it seems wondrous, and gives me a bit of hope, that other names may one day be forgotten too.

I am already in my dream, in my happy-ever-after.

I’m living a life of open possibilities and of love. I have already trusted someone. We have been walking together on the same path for a while now. Weare carving out our lives around each other as I type this.

I wasn’t dangling, unsure, over the edge of a precipice after all. I have already been encircled, safe, by warm arms and an endless supply of encouragement to move forward.

There has been enough growth, so that even after I get down, see things that upset me, and realize that some things are still there even though they don’t matter, I can close that page and not cry and re-look at it, again and again, obsessively and painfully.

I don’t know what hurts anymore, or if it even does. There is just so much restless energy pent up in me that I redirect it to all my discontent and fears and that feeds them, makes them grow when they are actually reduced to nothing by truth. What do I want, more? Do I want heartbreak? Is what I think is out there, actually what is out there?

So yesterday was a Monday of tiramisu and chocolatey-nutty cookies. Today is a Tuesday of grapes for my sweet fix!

We had a surprisingly lovely Asian dinner after that, with a passably good chili under almost 2 inches of oil.

Fell asleep almost as soon as we got back and I’d changed out. I think it was half past 9, and like that, I dozed until S woke me up to go to bed.

It was the best sleep I’d had in a while. Sure, the wakings-up were still there, but they were not as wide-awake, and they were also more comforting. There were no jolting thoughts, no gloom and tears. Instead, it was fun and adventure, with family there. Parents and I stood, laughing on a bumpy and huge crayfish train, painted lobster red and with a head shaped like a crab pincer with bug eyes – it wasn’t scary for all that though, because everything keeping me safe and anchored in this world was there and around me.

(And it occurred to me now – maybe that’s how I can feel about other things, too.)

We raced around, along a never-ending coastline of beach, talking with the wind in our hair. Mum and I did get into a minor spat over sharing my camera with one of my little cousins (as usual), and the dream ended with her talking to my aunt and saying that I really didn’t want to take pictures now and would relinquish my camera to her bawling 11-year old. Which was of course not true, and I would’ve been all ungraceful about it if I hadn’t woken up. Still, all-in-all, it was a good dream.

We also put up Christmas lights over the last weekend. I now have slightly-hazy, cosy-warm stars dipping from the ceiling over the large windows that frame my desk. It’s pretty.

Now am listening to “Married Life”, which was a theme in Up! Composed by Michael Giacchino, who is clearly a genius. I do adore beautiful and soul-fitting soundtracks, since they always make a good movie/series everything it is. All my favorite series have music that I can replay endlessly, and which moves something in me.

I hope we can be happy and in love, with each other and with life, always. And I hope you, my most important people, are having a ball of a time right now, and will stay around healthy and laughing for a long, long time. I’m glad you enjoyed the giant cake.

I pictured him carrying up all his worldly possessions and the winding little path he’d taken forward, step after step, without looking back, to be here with me. And I looked around the apartment and saw us, and it was warm and nice.

We’re going for a movie I’ve wanted to watch for months. I look forward to it, and to remembering that love, just love, is the answer. Not fear, not insecurity, not anger, not helpless frustration, not sadness, not guilt, and not blame.

Just love.

More on journeying through life when I get back.

Over the week, there were at least two times that I sat down in front of the computer thinking, “Ah, maybe I should say something about this, just to remember it for myself.” But each time, the words fell flat and I closed wordpress, and I forgot.

This weekend, I also had little pockets of sadness bursting open – in the mornings and randomly during the day. Made it through though, as always.

But still find myself being afraid (like just 2 seconds ago) of the Big Wide Out There, just because something could potentially be a reminder. It’s stupid to worry like that, I know, because then everything DOES become a potential trigger, rather than the neutral, calming Big Wide Out There that really exists, not for anyone and not for fears, but for rest and calm and freedom and living.

I don’t know what to write anymore. There was more I wanted to say before.

Up: I bought more thermals. The man who heard me out and almost watched me blubber to tears this morning at the train station over the loss of my card was strangely sympathetic and commiserating – even if he didn’t do anything about it.

Down: I am convinced that someone in my new class hates me. This person also makes other people laugh with his/her questions and bad pronunciation.

Up: I caught up to another classmate and we started talking. She seems extremely chatty (a bit too much so), but we have made an appointment to go for coffee after class tomorrow – another successful attempt at not holing myself up despite the dreadful cold weather!

Down: It’s cold. REALLY cold today, in fact.

Up: Package from home arrived today. Postage was over 50 dollars. I am looking forward to collecting it and having wonderful presents from parents.

Up: I’m going to try and make an all-time favorite – fried rice – today. Am looking forward to it.

Up: I’m actually doing something about looking for a gym. Even if they’re all still out to rip me off.

Up: Yet another classmate treated me to a hot chai tea and a nice chat yesterday. This should have been posted way up there, but it disappeared into the back of my mind for a while. Same classmate came over during break today and offered a link/contacts for job-searching here. Someone being this thoughtful always comforts me and makes me feel better about the world.

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Other classmates asked me today, very incredulously, if I only carried hot water in my thermos. No, I replied, there’s vodka…or maybe it was whisky today. Of course.

I think they took it quite seriously.

Building a tall bridge, strong and secure. Oops, still a little shaky though. But vagabond shakes head and answers, when asked, that before, there was no bridge at all. That once, he had tried, but all that had ensued was a pile of broken, burning rotten planks. Far, far behind by now.

“Count your blessings”, mother said.

A good reminder, and one that should be put into practice. Wipe the tears away, empty nose into tissues. Think about not having gotten on the wagon at all.

Heart-broken and behaving a little childishly all over again. Really need to learn sometime.

And it came to me in the midst of the recent recurrent thoughts of the name/person I’ve as yet not managed to fully get over in leaving the matter firmly in the past, where it belongs, and where it doesn’t matter.

So clearly, the pill must be doing its work, or my reflections are counting for something. I hope it’s both.

I have gone between thinking it’s better to write cathartically, and thinking it’s better not to write at all, since that means I’d have to put my rambling thoughts in focus and actually give it a name. It appears though, that for now, writing, and the time to reflect upon what to write, is actually helping. I’m happy about that.

Here’s to another good day.

I was on the train home earlier when it occurred to me, so clearly, that I had been living my life around someone I didn’t know. I made up the places, the goings-on, the nature of what the relationship had been, and the wildest scenarios that might happen. But today, perhaps also because I went to school for the start of my new course and had an interesting 2 hours filled with NOT ONE SINGLE thought of the other, today, it dawned on me that I had lost track of my own life.

I realized before, that to become more focused, I simply have to become more self-centered. Normally, that’s a bad thing, but I do feel sure now that I have to get some ego back in order to start rocking my life the way I’ve always wanted to. For starters, I’m a smart, pretty and educated young person. I have landed a great catch as far as partners go – someone who is dedicated, shares many of life’s thoughts on the same wavelength with me, and who is working hard to build our future together.

I need to keep thinking about that. And not any other airy-fairy, wild-spun thoughts.

I also found a masterful, if subjective, method to combat the negatively-wandering thoughts – I just think of you, the one I wanted to tell for 4 years.

All in a day’s work for the self-centered mentality, huh.